Honestly I’m not sure if I should remake my blog or if I should just delete. This site is stressful, with all the bullshit discourse and having to pick sides but worrying about picking the wrong one not that it matters because you’ll be hated by someone regardless. Keeping up with this blog is stressful, especially now that my name’s attached to things and I’ve built up a “brand” that I can’t really get away from. I can’t deal with being hated or regarded as a pathetic idiot, even by objectively terrible people. It may be flaky and oversensitive but I guess that’s just how it is. I’m always going to second-guess myself and believe other people’s opinions over my own.
I’m also starting to think that I’ve become a toxic person (or maybe I always was). I’m an arrogant dickish know-it-all whose obsessive need to vomit facts and be clever always comes before other people’s feelings, and who can’t deal with being told they’re wrong. My favourite character is a rapist and I’m not strong enough, or perhaps just too selfish, to acknowledge it and what my denial of it says about me. I’ve put my foot in it so many times and hurt so many people and the worst part is that I still try to market myself as a good person. Not that I’d even know where to begin to fix that because I hate the thought of people being hurt but I end up doing it anyway because I can’t behave like a normal human being. I’m toxic, ingratiating and manipulative and I’m always terrified that I could emotionally abuse or even end up raping someone because of my abysmal empathy, communication and social skills (like fuck, maybe I’m some kind of sociopath, idk). I’m not sure I can deal with the high emotionality of social media because emotion and relationships and human behaviour/psychology are confusing and stressful to me and I can’t ever seem to do them right so maybe I’m just. Not made for this shit.